Uptonian Thoughts

Microwave Ovens Suck

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Really. My microwave helpfully makes the numbers 1 through 6 shortcuts for running for that number of minutes, on full power. When’s the last time you needed to microwave something for six whole minutes?

Most of my microwaving involves re-heating leftovers or softening things like tortillas or butter. These things don’t take minutes; they take seconds. And if I have something that really need to warm up over the course of one or two minutes, it certainly doesn’t need to be that long at full power. Those preset buttons are absolutely useless. I need presets for 10, 20, and 30 seconds, and maybe 90, and at power levels of 5, 7, and “hi”. Not “high”, mind you, “hi”.

The rest of my microwaving time is spent trying to defrost frozen meat, like a chicken breast or a tilapia filet. There’s a button for this, yes, but it requires that I guess the weight of the thing I’m defrosting. I don’t own a kitchen scale, but even if I did, I sure as hell wouldn’t bust it out to figure out how to long I need to defrost my meat. Let me tell you what I’m defrosting, and then figure out how long to defrost it. Defrosting is not a new science or even science at all.

Here’s another irksome feature: when I open the microwave door before the timer goes off, I really appreciate that it remembers how much time was left. Once eight hours have passed, though, I think it’s safe to assume that I’m no longer in need of that timer. “PRESS START” is not helpful after that long. Show me the clock again after a reasonable amount of time has passed.

Another thing: that awful beeping sound. I know some smug person with too much time on his hands has Googled his unit’s manual and has memorized the arcane sequence of button presses required to mute the microwave, but I haven’t. Why is there not just a mute button? It’s not for lack of room: put it under my “9 “ button or in between “Defrost” and “Popcorn” (which always burns those poor defenseless kernels) or even in the place of the “Reminder” button, because I don’t keep my todo list on my microwave.

Can someone “Nest-ify” the microwave? I would buy one in a heartbeat.